So I have been really struggling with a lot of stuff recently... and stuff that really no one else can help me with or anything, because only God and I can really figure out my deep question - Who am I? Seriously, I have no idea who I am, what I am supposed to do, what God has set me apart for. It has affected everything that I am struggling with on top of that - my job, my desires, my dreams... all of it stems from the deep question - who am I? I say this all the time: God has been constantly refashioning and reshaping me. I look at people around me and see people who have known what they have wanted for most of their lives and they get it and they live this amazing genuine incredible life. I am sure that they have struggles but they know who God has made them... I on the other hand have constantly had the answer to my question change. What I would have said in high school is very different than how I defined myself in college. And then I went to Massage School and it all changed. I am an artist, I am funny, I am theatrical, I love movies, I love reading good books, I read tabloid magazines, I love traveling, I am a breamer, I am a romantic, I am self concious, I am analytical of myself, I am a child of the most high God... those are what I know to be true about me. But none of those answer the question "who am I?"
So I know that I am Christ in me... I am everything God says in the Bible about me, but I don't know what that means. And it gives me no direction... and I guess that is what I long for most some hint or whisper of a path I am supposed to be on. And how that manifests itself in my life is that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin... and I have a lot of self doubt.
This quest kind of all came to a head on friday in a staff meeting when we as a staff were basically told by our managers and corporate representative that we all suck!! That we aren't doing our jobs well enough and that students are leaving and failing because of me. Now for a person with a struggle like mine, it shattered my heart. I am a people pleaser and I am a perfectionist and to be told that I am failing is not good for the soul. I don't even want to be doing this job for very much longer, so a meeting like that really made me want to pack up and run. Growing up in a church that has taught me that I can be a failure and a loser in the worlds eyes and that's okay because God loves me despite all that, made me really frustrated by what I was being told. I don't know who I am and what I am supposed to be doing with my life and apparently what I am doing with my life right now is done really really poorly.
So I spent the weekend seeking God and his love and his answers. I even wrote on my bathroom mirror "God, I give you this day. Help me to see your encouragement and love in my life." And a funny thing happens when you ask God to show you how much He loves you... he actually does.
Yesterday was very pleasant at school - I can't get specific with all the little things I was blessed with because it would really make no sense... but the biggest thing God blessed me with was this video. The speaker is a man named Rob Bell (an amazing speaker) and he has several and I am talking several videos made by this organization called NOOMA. Well this video just came out today... and I cried through the whole thing... isn't God great that He would bless me as He does.
Now I still don't have my answer all figured out, but I am so very hopeful in Christ for me he is doing in my soul.
3 comments:
Miranda,
What a privilage it has been to watch you grow in the last 17 years since I've known you. You are a beautiful woman with a heart that just makes me smile.This is a wonderful and painful journey that you are under but what a incredible transformation that is going on. When I see you and talk with you I always walk away feeling joyful. You have God's wonderful light in you. May you and he together fiqure out the path to use it on. I think that he has wonderful plans for you.
By the way the video was a gift to me. It made me cry(which at work is not always a good thing), for I too at 46 am trying to fiqure out what new path does he have for me.I am a mother, wife, daughter, friend and co-worker but there is a space that says not this job but what?
Love Ya and will be praying for you on this tremendous trip.
Laurie Mertz
Oh Miranda, as your Mom, this post just made me cry. I am sooo proud of who you are... and how you are continuing the journey He has planned for you... that you ARE running the race set before you... that you ARE responding to His voice.
Rest in HIM... assured that this too, is part of the journey.
Trust HIM.
Too bad about the poor leadership at your job. A good leader can tell you that your work is a disgrace and make you want to work harder just to please them. A poor manager/leader just wounds the people they lead.
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