funny things happen when you pray...

So I have been really struggling with a lot of stuff recently... and stuff that really no one else can help me with or anything, because only God and I can really figure out my deep question - Who am I? Seriously, I have no idea who I am, what I am supposed to do, what God has set me apart for. It has affected everything that I am struggling with on top of that - my job, my desires, my dreams... all of it stems from the deep question - who am I? I say this all the time: God has been constantly refashioning and reshaping me. I look at people around me and see people who have known what they have wanted for most of their lives and they get it and they live this amazing genuine incredible life. I am sure that they have struggles but they know who God has made them... I on the other hand have constantly had the answer to my question change. What I would have said in high school is very different than how I defined myself in college. And then I went to Massage School and it all changed. I am an artist, I am funny, I am theatrical, I love movies, I love reading good books, I read tabloid magazines, I love traveling, I am a breamer, I am a romantic, I am self concious, I am analytical of myself, I am a child of the most high God... those are what I know to be true about me. But none of those answer the question "who am I?"
So I know that I am Christ in me... I am everything God says in the Bible about me, but I don't know what that means. And it gives me no direction... and I guess that is what I long for most some hint or whisper of a path I am supposed to be on. And how that manifests itself in my life is that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin... and I have a lot of self doubt.
This quest kind of all came to a head on friday in a staff meeting when we as a staff were basically told by our managers and corporate representative that we all suck!! That we aren't doing our jobs well enough and that students are leaving and failing because of me. Now for a person with a struggle like mine, it shattered my heart. I am a people pleaser and I am a perfectionist and to be told that I am failing is not good for the soul. I don't even want to be doing this job for very much longer, so a meeting like that really made me want to pack up and run. Growing up in a church that has taught me that I can be a failure and a loser in the worlds eyes and that's okay because God loves me despite all that, made me really frustrated by what I was being told. I don't know who I am and what I am supposed to be doing with my life and apparently what I am doing with my life right now is done really really poorly.
So I spent the weekend seeking God and his love and his answers. I even wrote on my bathroom mirror "God, I give you this day. Help me to see your encouragement and love in my life." And a funny thing happens when you ask God to show you how much He loves you... he actually does.
Yesterday was very pleasant at school - I can't get specific with all the little things I was blessed with because it would really make no sense... but the biggest thing God blessed me with was this video. The speaker is a man named Rob Bell (an amazing speaker) and he has several and I am talking several videos made by this organization called NOOMA. Well this video just came out today... and I cried through the whole thing... isn't God great that He would bless me as He does.
Now I still don't have my answer all figured out, but I am so very hopeful in Christ for me he is doing in my soul.

Weekend Parties!!!

My life got just a tad bit more exciting this weekend, with two days full of fun parties!! So if you are already friends with me on Myspace or Facebook then this will be kind of redundant, but you can still read the stories... for the rest of you - enjoy!!

First party was Meredith Childers Bachelorette Party:
(Sorry, can't flip this one) Meredith and I

Jessica and I

Jeannette and I

Nicole, Jessica, Me, and Meredith waiting for our table at the Cheesecake Factory

Meredith was so excited... the party was all about her!! So fun!

Opening Presents

Party games...

We had such a fun time laughing and talking and were completely exhausted by 11pm... how old me have gotten. Didn't sleep to well because I was sharing a bed... not fun for someone who is use to a full size mattress all to herself. We were staying at the Embassy Suites, which is such a nice hotel - right next to the Biltmore. It was a blast!!



Now onto Halloween... YAY!! Shawn and Nicole had their annual Halloween Extravaganza! It is always so exciting to see what Shawn and Nicole come up with to be... TAH DAH they were a Bumblebee and a flower... because bees pollinate flowers... and Nicole is pregnant... put it together!

I was someone random from the 1940's... or Kate Beckinsale from Pearl Harbor... or a stewardess... you pick

Mom and Dad were a gardener and a cowboy respectively

Tyler was Calmet from the musical group Pranczar & Vyxxx'n. That is quite the embroidered vest.

Andy & Meredith came as an engaged couple... =)

me and the bro-ham

Ashley was a ladybug... so precious! She is 21 years old TODAY!!! (Stupid picture flipping)

This is Shawn's friend Brandon from work... super cool guy. He came as Jim dressed as Dwight from the Office... with a cheap calculator watch and everything!!! It was awesome!!

Awesome treats... I took a Superman ring from one of the cupcakes.

My mom and I - that's where I got my good looks!

Misty and Jana... Joel and Misty got their costumes from the Washington High School costume room... Joel's costume is the male version of Misty's... while Jana was pregnant... she is in real life too, so pretty easy costume.


So that is a sample of my general merriment this weekend.

So the whole coming attraction thing will have to wait. I didn't expect this quarter of school to be so incredibly stressful. I am seriously going non-stop and when I am not at work I am sleeping. I think I am trying to fight off some type of bug or something because I am always tired. I even got a good 11 hours of sleep sunday night and by monday late afternoon I was ready to crawl back into bed. Can't seem to wake up. So here is my mea culpa post.

I can give you a couple pictures of my halloween decorations... got some candles and halloween plates from target and the dollar store respectively. I also have a strand of halloween lights, but alas I have not had any time or enegry to clean up house and hang them up.
So here you go.


and some dish towels

Coming Attractions...

I always feel so horrible that I don't post more often but since I have been at work for the better part of my life this week I decided to give you sneak peak of future blogs I'll be posting...

#1 - Halloween decorations... now that I have my own apartment and a Super Target down the street, my Halloween decor has blossomed this season... I'll take pictures and post

#2 - New business venture... it hit me last night like a sign from God!! I am kind of excited about it!! I'll have to fill you in on my crazy idea...

That is all for now.

Home at last

So do you like the new layout? I changed it because the other one was much less user friendly... with all the embedded text and everything. So these are my new digs so to speak.

I have pictures for you... of people from work. We had our graduation ceremony on friday night and afterwards a bunch of people on staff went out to eat at My Big Fat Greek Restaurant... the food was delicious (the waitress kept us there for 2 hours, because she took forever with everything we ordered - kind of frustrating when you're hungry, but we passed the time well).

Jimmy and his wife Bethany (Jimmy is Greek so of course te atmosphere was like home for him - OPA!)

Heather, Marie, and Brenden (Marie's husband)

Tom and I. Tom is not drunk... at least he wasn't when this pictures was taken.

Stephanie and Chris... What a cute couple... too bad Stephanie doesn't like her picture taken.

The whole group... aren't we pretty!


So I now have the new iLife '08 for Macs. The iPhoto is really sweet! I now have all of my pictures organized in the program. It organizes them with album covers and if you scroll over the cover you can see all the pictures in the album... it makes it so easy to find pictures that way.

Tonight was The Call's movie night. Our college aged group watched The Breakfast Club... what an awesome movie. I was thinking while we watched the movie about why this struck a generation and generations thereafter.. I think it is because in the movie these five characters got to do things and process things that so many teenagers longed to do and say... I also watched realizing that fashion has really come full circle... I mean Molly Ringwalds skirt and boots would totally rock any red carpet even today...


I am so excited to get to play with toddlers at church tomorrow... so cute!!

A new quarter at work...

new students, new staff members, and new classes to teach.

This month I am working in the bumblebees sunday school class (for those who don't speak Open Door Children's Ministries that is the toddler class). I love holding and playing with their little guys... SO CUTE!!! Makes me excited to be an Aunt even more.

A beautiful day in the neighborhood...

I am having a lovely day thus far. Although it is only 11:30am I have accomplished quite a bit!! I am having a yard sale. I am sitting out in front of my parents' house while people rummage through my unwanted items and give me money for them - one man's trash truly is another man's treasure. The weather is 64 degrees and breezy... quite lovely for phoenix and it is a good omen that winter is not far off. I love fall and winter. I guess it is because I love winter clothing... actually I just love clothing in general, but jackets, boots, sweatshirts, scarfs, and gloves are my favorite. I actually just bought a new sweatshirt the other day at old navy and later when I was looking through celebrity photos on people.com I notice Cameron Diaz has the same sweatshirt - AWESOME!!
So what will I do with all my cash? probably buy more clothes that will one day turn into unwanted yard sale items... ah the circle of life.

It is moments and mornings like these that I thank God for my life... how truly blessed I am to have the things I have. I think I get so bogged down by work, life, people's expectations and how I disappoint them, and what I don't have that I think I need... mostly I get lost in my strong feeling of inadequacy and feel like life will never make sense. And then I sit outside on a day like today where the trees are waving in the gentle breeze, the sky is an unimaginably gorgeous blue, and my life is peaceful and I remember that God is who he says he is, and today as well as on my worst day, I am Christ in me. How awesome and truly safe that makes me feel. And what do I do in my pensiveness? Dream.

I hope today affords you the blessings that is has bestowed upon me.

Broadway shows...

So I don't know if you know me, but I have LOTS of little quirks... some rather embarrassing and some you will think I am a complete idiot for - for example... I make the bed before I climb in for bed, when I clean my house I put my remotes on my coffee table in descending order from longest to shortest completely square with each other and the edge of the table, I also talk out loud to myself in a british accent when I'm alone... I know.

But one little thing that I know about myself is if I really like a musical or play I see I will cry at the end... regardless of whether it is a sad ending or not I will cry. Hairspray - cried, Les Mis - cried, Suesical - cried, Rent - cried... I don't know if it is the fact that the final number in shows is usually overwhelming visually, auditory, emotionally, or maybe it is because I remember the feeling of being on stage during a final number or curtain call... but either way I will cry if I truly loved the show. There have been shows that were fine that I laughed and clapped and smiled through... but no tears came in the end and it was because I just didn't feel it or connect with it.

Why am I babbling on about my reaction to theatrical performances (babbling is another quirk I have)? Because Sunday night I bawled my bloody eyes out at Gammage Auditorium during the final two numbers of Jersey Boys. Flipping Fantastic!!! The story is about Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons - their true story. The music score of the show was all their hits, so my mom and I went in knowing all the words anyway. We then left after the show blasting the soundtrack (which I owned before the show) from my car stereo, windows rolled down, through the parking lot of Gammage.

The show is now one of my favorites!! The energy, the lights, music, characters, just Phenomenal!!!! My mom and I loved it!!