Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Thank you for all your prayers...

I forget that this was a regular feeling for me when I was going through school. I always felt anxious and inadequate, etc, etc. It wasn't until I worked at Open Door that my life changed completely as I realized that I would never feel adequate in this world, because I wasn't made for here. What a freeing feeling actually - to realize that your worth would NEVER be determined by the expectations of bosses, corporations, letter grades, and capacity. At this same time of enlightenment I also moved on from community college to massage school. Massage school is really a horse of a different color and now that I have worked there for over 2 1/2 years, the intimidation is completely gone (plus there was hardly any homework and tests were cake). But university that is scary and all the feelings of fear and inadequacy and basically anxiety of the unknown have come flooding back and while they have made my heart skip a beat every so often and hyperventilate, they seem to be old friends back for a visit... the kind of friends that you dread them coming and hide all the nice things in your house because they'll invariably destroy them. So, yeah, this I guess is the other side of the coin that comes with higher education and the opportunity to study something I love, possibly study in england, and complete a bachelor's degree (which just the thought of makes my heart leap for joy). My question is will this be the next 2 years of my life... or is it really directly related to Spanish 202 (which the thought of makes me want to throw up a little bit in my mouth). I don't know... I guess I'll be needing continual prayer. John spoke a couple weeks ago on "Leaning on your own understanding" and something struck me in his message (kind of like someone throwing a brick at my forehead). He said that in all of Job's suffering, Job really didn't want to know the reason or the purpose for all that he went through... he only wanted to know God was there, and that he loved Job, all Job wanted was his presence. That's all I want - is to feel the presence of the one who holds all things in his hand. I just want my Savior to be with me. So if you need a specific prayer on my behalf, it is that - that I would feel Jesus.

So my coping mechanism for all this? My dad. Haha, I mean my actual dad - Randy Thompson. I don't know if you guys are aware of this, but I have the best dad in the ENTIRE world. Not just because he is one of my very good friends who I can share my heart with and talk to... etc etc, but also because he is an incredibly talented guy. Whenever I am feeling incredibly desperate in life the song I turn to time and time again is All I Ever Wanted by my dad. I also have been repeating Ears to Hear and If You Can Hear Me Now (which is the story of my life right now). So now I have his entire anthology on shuffle throughout my apartment as I blog and clean. I just marvel at his lyrics... what an amazing writer. Maybe it's because I am his daughter and grew up with the way he words things and therefore have adopted them as my own, but it seems that his songs speak on a level that is right with my soul. Some samplings of lyrics that grab my heart:

"Jesus, I don't know what to say
I only wish that You were here now
To look into my eyes
And separate the truth from the lies
Like You've done so many times before
O Lord please hear my prayer
I need to know You're there
For I can't live without You"

"It used to make me cry
I used to never wonder why
It used to fill my life with so much passion
And all the treasures this life brings
I'd trade it all for just one thing
'Cause all I've ever really wanted was Jesus"

"I want to go with You wherever You may go
I want to have the courage Lord to follow
No matter what the cost I want to spend it all in serving You
Knowing that it’s not what I may give up
It’s not what I may loose along the way
Lord it’s true I want to know You"

and the Entire song, Once Upon a Cross - truly the most beautifully written song I have ever heard
"Jesus was a humble man a carpenter by trade
But there was something special about everything he made
Once upon a cross He carved a picture of the price
That it costs to be a carpenter and love what He had made
The scars in the hands of the sculptor are the price that must be paid

Jesus was so in love with everything He touched
His life was the only worthy gift for a world He loved so much

Jesus was a sailor and He walked upon the sea
Stood among the wind and waves that roared so angrily
Jesus called the fishermen to leave their nets behind
And search for the souls of men instead in the midst of an angry sea
Lift them from their worldliness and teach them to be free

Jesus stood among the waves and shouted to the shore
Can you hear Him calling anymore?

And it seems to me fools we'd be
To deny His everlasting love, turn our backs and just
Walk away from the gift He gave
When we were so hopelessly bound in sin
And only the love of Jesus could pay the price
Jesus was the final sacrifice

Jesus was an artist and He painted with His blood
A picture of the price of sin and love the final flood
To wash away the emptiness that stained their weary souls
Gives answers to the questions and reason to our rhyme
Only those who refuse to see are ever truly blind

Jesus rose above it all a moment before He died
Looked out on a weary world
And Jesus cried"

*** The picture of my dad and I is my very favorite ***


Amy T Schubert said...

I love your dad too ...
good luck!
School is awesome ... I wish I could go back.

linda t said...

Oh Miranda, I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me that you and your Dad are so close.
I had tears pouring down my face, knowing how much his music continues to minister to you... that the Lord is using your Dad's music to show you His love for you.
You are so loved Miranda...
Praying you feel His presence always.

NanAZ said...

Miranda, You made me cry too. You just reminded me how very blessed you are to have a dad (and mom) that cherish you and share the love of God with you and share the little things in life as well.

My parents didn't share my faith and my dad didn't know how to show that he loved me, or really even to have a meaningful relationship. Plus he died when I was only 20, so I never really had a chance to have a mature adult relationship with him. I regret that I missed out on that experience.

You have a precious priceless gift in your family. Treasure it always.

I love you and will continue to pray for you.

kristen said...

your dad rocks and we are truly blessed by his music too around here! I know one day I will go back to school and yet the thought of it makes me nauseus! But I too would love to have a bachelors degree.

linda t said...

I want to see if my profile pic shows up.