Hazel Mae Kiva Mertz (A Birth Story)

If you haven't read Will or Cora's Birth Stories yet, feel free to click over to them to take a look. I feel that every mother compares her birth stories to one another, that was definitely true of Cora's compared to Will's and even with this one compared to the other two.

Let's start with a little back story and lead up to Hazel's eventual arrival.

*** TRIGGER WARNING - Miscarriage ***

My pregnancy with Hazel was HARD - both physically and mentally/emotionally. I had 2 miscarriages proceeding Hazel's pregnancy and so I carried into this journey a lot of fear and anxiety. My first miscarriage was December 2019 at 9 weeks. We actually knew it was coming for a couple weeks before it actually happened. At 7 weeks we had our first ultrasound and the baby was much smaller than expected. I left that appointment with Aaron sobbing in the parking lot knowing what was coming. My doctor had hope and didn't think much of it assuming my dates were off, but she scheduled another ultrasound for a week later. For a week I held as much hope as I could, but deep down I just knew. At the next ultrasound at 8 weeks it was apparent that I was miscarrying and the baby's heartbeat was nearly gone. Then for another week I waited for my body to do what it needed to do naturally. Sadly it never did and I eventually had to have a D&C. It was traumatic and sad and while I had walked through miscarriage with friends before this and grieved with them, nothing really prepares you for experiencing it yourself. 

When we were able to try again, we got pregnant right away! I felt so much hope because how could God possibly have me miscarry again? The odds were unlikely... and so for 3 days we dreamed of our little one. Then at 6 weeks, I lost that baby too. The process this time was physically easier, but the wounds were deeper and I had a lot more anger and fear... what if a third baby wasn't in the cards for us?

When I got the positive pregnancy test with Hazel, I remember seeing the faint line and mentally shrugging my shoulders... Well, we'll see where this goes...

I had early blood tests to check my hormone levels because of my previous losses and they determined early that my progesterone was dropping, so I needed to take extra progesterone. Thus began the physical wreckage of the first trimester. I felt as sick as I possibly could! Severe nausea from the time I woke up to the time I fell asleep, dizziness and vertigo from the progesterone, extreme exhaustion, and food aversions to literally EVERYTHING! I lived on raisin toast with peanut butter and hated every bite. I lost 10 lbs those first 14 weeks.

But the physical discomfort was coupled with so much fear and doubt!! We found out we were pregnant the day the world shut down from COVID-19. So every doctors appointment had to be attended alone. Aaron wasn't allowed to be with me. I went into the ultrasound room for my 8 week appointment... the same room where I watched my other baby's heartbeat flicker away... and tried not to hyperventilate as I prayed it wouldn't happen again. Aaron wasn't there to hold my hand. Thankfully our baby was PERFECT! Strong heartbeat and perfect measurements. But that didn't take the fear away... honestly I didn't really feel settled and hopeful until after my 20 week ultrasound appointment where we were sure everything looked perfect. It was psychological warfare with every muscle ache or trip to the bathroom.

Eventually my nausea went away around 14 weeks, but I was now constantly uncomfortable - aches, pains, not able to breathe properly, heartburn, trips to the bathroom every hour... you name it! I just didn't like this pregnancy. And to top it off, because I had so much anxiety and fear, I really didn't connect with Hazel or feel bonded while I was carrying her. Even my favorite part of pregnancy - feeling her move - while reassuring of her health, wasn't exciting to me. I honestly worried a lot about how I would connect with Hazel when she arrived... it just was a really hard season. Pregnancy after miscarriage and during a pandemic with two other toddlers was HARD!

Ok... enough back story!

In the weeks leading up to Hazel's arrival, I was POSITIVE that she would come early. Cora arrived at 37 weeks and since this pregnancy felt very much the same as that one, I knew my body wouldn't last till the scheduled repeat C-section on November 19th. By 35 weeks I had EVERYTHING ready - hospital bag packed, bassinet set up, and everything I needed in place. Aaron had work stuff scheduled for right up until our scheduled c-section at 39 weeks, so his boss was hoping I wouldn't go into labor early. 37 weeks came and went and nothing was happening, so I figured I may actually make it all the way! 

At 37 weeks and 5 days (a Tuesday) I had an appointment with my doctor. She had checked me the week before and I was only 1cm, but since I was at risk for early labor she "didn't want to stir anything up" so she didn't check me again this time. Then she told me something every pregnant woman fears from her doctor - "I'll be out of town for 4 days starting Friday, so make sure she waits till Tuesday at least!" - I knew I was trying to hold off until the coming Thursday, but now I had to really pray Hazel didn't come over the weekend! I was so worried I would have to have a C-section from a doctor I had never met. Schwartz had delivered all my babies I couldn't even entertain the thought of her not delivering Hazel. I immediately called Aaron and told him to start praying, and then text our families and some friends to also pray! 

Fun irony - I remember having my last OB appointment with Cora on a Tuesday and then texting all my friends to pray she stayed in at least another week because Aaron and I had a friend's wedding and another friend's baby shower the coming weekend... Cora was born early the very next morning. So I was having major deja vu.

I went to sleep that night praying. I was so incredibly DONE being pregnant. Everything hurt. I daydreamed of being able to lay down, sit down, walk, stand still, or take a breath without discomfort more than I daydreamed about holding my baby girl. But I also didn't want Aaron to miss his meeting or have Schwartz not be available for my delivery.

I woke up a couple times that night to use the bathroom as usual, and as I was laying in bed falling back to sleep at 3:40am and I felt something pop in my lower abdomen. I had read so much about women sometimes being able to hear/feel their water break with a POP, but after 2 labors where my water broke in the middle of the night before contractions, I had yet to actually feel anything like that. I lay very still seeing if anything else happened and nothing did. After a couple minutes I just got up to use the bathroom and only a tiny bit of water came out. I was so confused! It hadn't felt like a baby kick, but I wondered if that was all it was. A couple minutes later I felt a BIG labor contraction and my water definitely broke! I got up and went to wake up Aaron.When he woke up and I told him what was happening he groaned and I thought he was upset about his meeting he was definitely going to miss. I quickly said "I'm so sorry, babe. I know this means you'll miss your meeting." He replied, "Oh no! It's not about the meeting. I just went to bed at 1am after playing video games and I really regret that!" We immediately started laughing. 

We immediately called Aaron's parents to come over and started gathering up the rest of our hospital bag stuff. I realized that Hazel was going to be born on Veterans Day and that made me happy - she would never have to go to school on her birthday! I suspected that this labor would move quicker than the other ones did and so I didn't want to delay too much. Pat and Laurie were over a little after 4am and we left by 4:30am. By then I was already have pretty intense contractions that were causing me to stop and grip a table or squeeze Aaron's hand. While we were driving the 30 min to the hospital, I was growling through each contraction that were 4 min apart. I really had not experienced contractions at this intensity. 

We got to the hospital a little after 5am and walked in and they took our temperature at the check in desk and asked us the typical COVID-19 questions about exposure, coughs, and fever symptoms. Aaron had to answer for me because I was leaning against the desk with my eyes squeezed tight trying to breathe through a contraction. I made it up the elevator and to the Maternity ward and then they checked us in to a triage room. They did my work up and I was already at 7cm dilated! I also was to the point where the contractions were the most painful I had ever experienced. With Will I had an epidural by the time I was at this point and then with Cora my lobar hadn't progressed enough before my C-section to feel this level of pain. It was insane! I got my IV, which was messy. It was actual a great IV placement wise, but I had blood all over my hand from it that I didn't even notice until I was holding Hazel over an hour later. The contractions were coming fast, so they actually ended up giving me medication to slow them down so Dr. Schwartz would have time to get to the hospital. The nurse giving me my IV made some sort of comment about how it would be so much better/easier if I could just deliver naturally and I considered yelling at her, but I was in the middle of a contraction and just couldn't be bothered. I know she meant well, but seriously lady... you don't know my story and why I have C-sections! 

I was doing so good with the contractions, trying to breath through them, trying not to swear too much, growling or squeezing the living daylights out of Aaron's hand instead. Then came the COVID test. They did it in between contractions, and IT. WAS. AWFUL! I mean I would have rated my contractions at a 9 and it was the COVID test that finally made me start crying! The nurse stuck the swab up my nose and swirled around in there and then when she took it back out I just burst into tears and said "That hurt really bad. That was so mean." I could see Aaron trying not to laugh through my tears and quite frankly I found the irony entertaining that a test so many had said wasn't that bad was what broke me down into tears. But with in a couple seconds after the swab was out a BIG contraction hit.

Then it was finally time to head to the OR! We got in there and the lovely anesthesiologist (same one I had when Cora was born) started my spinal blocker. Between my contractions being gnarly and the medication they gave me to slow my labor making me shake so bad, the injection process for him was a bit complicated. After it was in, he told me that some of the medication squirted out because I was shaking so much, so we had to wait a bit to make sure I was numb enough. We also had to wait a bit because while Dr Schwartz had arrived no problem, her surgical assistant wasn't going to make it in time. So we waited for another Dr. in the practice who "lived around the corner" from the hospital to arrive. I remember telling Schwartz while we waited that baby girl had heard she was heading out of town and didn't want her to miss her arrival!"Once the other doctor arrived to assist, Aaron came into the room too and they started the surgery.

The surgery went so smoothly! Since we had been through this process with Cora, we knew what to expect. Aaron knew where to stand to get pictures and I knew it would be a quick process from first cut to Hazel's first cry. We could hear little snippets from Dr. Schwartz like "I see her ear... baby is almost here!" And then I felt the push on my stomach and pressure and Hazel's first sounds! 

Aaron and I would reflect on this moment in the hospital room the next day. With Cora so much about that moment was redeeming from Will's birth. We both missed his first cry and his entry into the world (Aaron wasn't allowed in the OR for my emergency C-section and I was under general anesthesia). So when I heard Cora's first cries it was so overwhelming to hear our sweet girl's voice and also realize what we were truly missing when Will had arrived. 

For Hazel and her first cry, I was hit by the immense reality that the world has never heard that sounds before. It was so magical to be there the moment the world got Hazel Mae Kiva Mertz. She was born at 6:11am.

Soon after her first cry, I also heard "her cord is around her neck" It wasn't said with any alarm, so I tried not to freak out (and Hazel was making plenty of noise to prove she was just fine), and Schwartz clarified that the cord was draped around her neck like a necklace. I like to think that she came out "fancy". They then took her over to the table to weigh her and clean her up and I was anxious to get a look at her hair. She has a mop of brunette hair that was so precious! Not as dark as Cora's, but not as obviously red as Will's. She weighed in at 7 lbs and 6 oz, which was the exact birth weight as Cora! 

They wiped her down and then came over to lay her on my chest. It was just the best feeling. I'll confess with the hard pregnancy and the mental struggle with a pregnancy after miscarriage, I had wondered about that moment. Would I have the instant connection and love for her? As she lay on my chest, it was as overwhelming and instantaneous as it had been with Will and Cora... I was IN LOVE!

Aaron then held her the rest of the time as the surgical team put me back together. It was so wonderful to watch him rock and hold our precious new baby girl. It was also super entertaining that Hazel was already rooting around wanting to eat only 20 minutes into her life. Baby girl was hungry!

We left the OR and we were wheeled into the recovery room with me holding our precious Hazel. Since Hazel was born at 6:11am, it was around 7am when we got into recovery. I LOVED the recovery room with each of my babies. Especially Cora and now Hazel. Both were born early in the morning before the sun rose and so each time by the time we got to recovery, the sun was just rising and the soft light coming through the windows was magical. It also was so cozy. My body was still mostly numb from surgery and they had PILES of heated blankets over Hazel and me to regulate our temperatures. I got to nurse Hazel in recovery and she was a champ. I'm so thankful that all my babies were great at eating right away.

We eventually left recovery and went to our room right as the nurses were changing shifts. We got an awesome nurse right away! The hospital room was bright with the morning sun. I was finally able to sit up and position myself properly for a good look at Hazel. She was the spitting image of Will, only with slightly darker hair. I also instantly noticed her adorable and pronounced dimpled chin! Everyone who came into our room and saw her noted the cutest chin.

Right as we were settling into our room, Dr. Day (who is actually my kids' pediatrician) was the doctor rounding that morning from our practice. She big the first check up on our girl and Hazel was of course perfect!

The rest of our hospital stay was actually really nice. I always love our hospital stays. I don't have to get out of bed and everyone just brings me food, pain meds, and a snuggly baby. The hospital for at Scottsdale Shea is actually so good and I literally order my weight in food at every meal! I don't sleep great, but I slept the best this time compared to my other visits. I think this was because I had more down time than normal. With Will and Cora we had family stopping by to visit and meet our babies, but this time there were not visitors allowed, so we actually had stretches of time that were great for getting some sleep.

I should also mention that I did have to wear a mask upon checking in to the hospital (they helped tie it on me while I was breathing through a contraction) and throughout our hospital stay whenever someone came into our room, but no one really enforced it if the mask fell down or I just didn't have it on. I felt guilty, but not really guilty because I was so focused on Hazel and all the newness of her arrival, I honestly didn't remember half the time that I was supposed to have one on. A doctor or nurse or tech would come into the room to check on us and after they left I would suddenly realize I hadn't worn my mask at all. I mentioned it to the nurse and she told me that their ward was so separate from the rest of the hospital and I was tested and was negative for COVID, so they weren't very worried. They understood that with a new baby, it wasn't a big deal if we forgot our masks in the room. The nurses and doctors all wore masks to protect us though, but other than that everything seemed very normal and typical even amidst a pandemic.

Our Hazel girl started showing her fussiness the first day. Poor girl has a digestive system that just doesn't go easy on her, so she wanted to nurse almost constantly the first day for comfort. Aaron was the Hazel-whisperer though and when she was spiraling into piercing screams, he would walk and bounce with her and she'd settle down.

My surgery recovery actually went the best too! In the 2.5 years since I had Cora, they had changed the C-section recovery process and they had me up and walking in the half the time as before, which actually felt so much better to em! It helped with the stiffness and soreness I usually had. 

We went home as soon as we could though. With COVID, we didn't want to be in the hospital any longer than we needed to be, plus the kids were EAGER to meet their baby sister. We FaceTimed with them every day we were there and they just wanted to stare at "Hazie" and couldn't wait for us to bring her home to them. Will's first questions every time we called was "how is Hazie? Are you taking care of her? I'm so glad the doctor took her out of your tummy? How is your surgery doing?". At one point we were FaceTiming them while we had dinner and Will noticed the cake that came with our meal in celebration of our new baby and so he also was eager for me to get home so we could make a birthday cake for Hazel for him to eat too!

At this point, I don't know if Hazel will be my last birth story, but if she is I am so thankful to have ended with so much redemption, with so much joy, with so much love. She definitely makes the most perfect addition to our family. 

And if she isn't our last, it is because I can't get enough of the baby snuggles and the sweetness of these early moments and days!